The LA Metro

I’ve been back in NYC the past couple days visiting family. I was riding the subway and found myself at such an ease. I never realized how frustrated I was with the LA metro. As a New Yorker, public transit etiquette this is something we’re trained to handle – as well as the occasional sexual assault, but that’s a different story. I know the concept of taking a subway is still a relatively new concept in LA, but most of this shit really is common sense and the polite thing to do.

1. Let people out before you go in!: You don’t even know how much this bothers me, whenever I’m waiting for the car doors to open, you already see a bunch of people standing at the door and then shoving their way in.  WTF is up with that?  In what world does it make sense to try to get in a car door when people are trying to get out.  I get even more angry when I’m the one who wants to get off on my stop.  Wait for the train to pull up, move to the side and let people out.  There is more than enough time for you to get in there!

2. The escalator is not a ride at Disneyland or whatever gross theme park you enjoy: Here’s the thing, I don’t care if you want to be lazy and let the escalator carry you up, but please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, move over to the right so people can walk up on the left side.  There is no reason why anyone should be standing in the middle of an escalator.

3. Sitting on the stairs: You can take a kid out of the hood, but you can’t take the hood out of the kid.  This also applies to lazy obese people.  The stairs that lead you to the subway platform is not a stoop.  Please don’t sit there. There are often people rushing to catch a train and your dumbass is interfering with their work commute.  Let’s be real, if you’re sitting on the bottom stair of a subway platform, you probably don’t have a job.  I bet there’s a statistical significance to that correlation.  The worse is when people are exiting a train and trying to walk up the stairs to exit and the stoopid sitter makes a face like we’re making their life difficult by wanting to exit.

4. What you’re selling, I ain’t buying:  I’m from NY, so if you want money from me during my morning and evening commute, you actually have to do something like a song and dance.  You can’t just be hollering on a train telling me you’re broke and asking to give money.  What do I get in return?  And please don’t say “feeling like a good person.”  Do a jumping jack for me!  Why should I give you a dime if all you’re doing is walking up and down a car telling people of some misfortune that may or may not be true.  I see some of the same people every day.  However, the biggest culprit of all, the kids who sell candy for a basketball team.  Here’s the thing, I went to a New York City public school and played sports, we did not have to sell candy on the subway…and if I don’t want candy, don’t try to check me and force me to buy it.  I’m pretty sure your basketball coach did not tell you to terrorize people so you can get uniforms.  And a bag of M&Ms for $3, bitch please, if I can get it at Walgreens for cheaper, that’s where I’m going for my candy.

Let’s all try to carry out social norms and we’ll live a great public transportation existence.


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